Ah, crushes.. so little control over it. It doesn’t make sense because usually you fall for the person without knowing any detail about them. The pre-frontal cortex goes haywire, how can you fall for someone when you don’t even know the person. And yet you see a person’s smile or the way they had their glasses on and that’s enough. That’s the type of people we are. The mind see a glimpse of something on another person and makes a fairy tale story about him/her. There’s an awesome video about it on Youtube by School of life.
The problem happens when you find out about the person in full, then your persona of that person shatters. It amazes me that quite a majority of the people hold on to their initial assumption, even though all the signs are saying that bitch is crazy! RUN!. I guess part of being attracted to crazy has to do with the reality that you can not be that crazy hence wish to obtain it. Same reason people buy celebrities’ endorsed things even though it’s shit.
But even worse than crush is romanticism. It’s even more ill-logical and no one teaches you about that. Before there was no romance just marriages which was easy and well calculated business venture. Two people will wed to bring their land/farms/kingdoms together. It was cold but rational and kept society going. Similar to what still occur in places like India. Pros and cons about it but that’s for another blog.
Romanticism is the batshit crazy concept that someone on unknown mushrooms came up with. Ideology emerging thru poets and writers. You know the ones who don’t have jobs and drink wine and live on someone else fortunes. They blinded the whole concept of relationships with romanticism. Somehow being a fool is seen as sign of someone in love. Discussing financial arrangements, being seen as unromantic and cold. You suppose to commit to needs of others as a sacrifice to feed relationship. Disney movies didn’t help either. Plus no one teaches you about this. You need to get trained to become Janitor, get to know the cleaning agents and shit and how to work the equipments but not how to maintain a relationship.
Relationship is about growing together not finding one perfect match. The odds of that is winning lotto 10 times in a row. Relationship is about contsantly trying to understand more about each other. And thats when communication comes in handy. Nothing wrong with not getting to understand how other feels. High chances of you not having Professor X capabilities to mind read.
But then does it need to be overly calculated and practical? I guess this is where trying to self-love comes in handy. You need to understand and love yourself first. Sacrificing things for others will only result in resentment later. Also, have some idea of what type of personality you are? For e.g. someone who drives VW golf would find it hard to settle in with someone with 8 cylinder Mustang. Is it impossible? of course not, but hard to achieve. This is where you decide to compromise a bit but not sacrifice. Be practical but also kind.
I don’t understand when folks say they found their soul mate. Soul mates are nurtured, prepared and made not randomly bumped into clubs. So find a partner who is willing to remain himself at core but still can be understanding, compassionate and has capability to grow along with you. Like the core values of this person and if you like it then thats what you need. Relationship was never meant to be easy. Somehow there’s an understanding that love is enough to overcome everything and give you this satisfying successful relationship.
Let me tell you that regardless of love you will still fight, disagree with each other, sex won’t be awesome every time, you will get hurt or insulted by each other, etc. So how you know if the partner is right or make relationship work out. Well until unless both parties are ‘trying’ and communicating then thats enough. Its not about the destination but the journey. Its not about the successful relationship which is great but the struggles, failures and despite still making it thru. Now that’s a sign of a successful relationship.
But Meh… having said all that, we will still go thru all the phases of relationship pain. You will fall for someone and instinctively go romantic on them. Will make ultimate sacrifices and regret or question if it was worth it. Self-loathing would occur along with slut phase. Where you just need to have sex with as many randoms. Eventually, some of us would learn how to have a good relationship. Some of us would find a partner with good similarity of core values (perfect matches don’t exist remember, if they do then you are twins and having sibling sex is bad. Lannister as Exhibit A). Some would settle for something less. And someone would be just be looking…….. such is the fate with relationships.